Invite the Lion, Prepare to be Eaten

We all have our breaking points. That moment when your limbs become numb and the scene turns into a fish-eyed snapshot of the reality you've allowed yourself to create.

I reached that point this weekend and have spent the last two days talking with friends and family, searching my soul, and creating a plan to ensure I never do this to myself again.

And while I hesitate to tell this story in a blog...lest it brand me as the world's biggest fool...I think it's important to hold myself accountable for my actions and hopefully learn something valuable in the process.

Who knows, maybe someone reading this will learn something as well and it will have at least been worth it...a little.

The backstory...

If you've read any of my past blogs, you may remember the story of LAD- the LA Douche. (Click here if you would like to read the post) Despite LAD wrapping up our previous weekend together by being the biggest asshole on the planet, I've for whatever reason continued to be friends with him. 3 weeks ago LAD confided in me that he has been drug-free since that weekend, and that he wasn't comfortable going out on New Year's in LA because he might be tempted to walk a dangerous path, which he didn't want to do.

My first mistake...

Trying to be a good person, I invited LAD to fly to Texas to join me for the New Year since I don't do drugs, don't have any friends that do them, and have absolutely no idea where to find them if I did want to do them. In a million years I never thought he'd accept the invitation...and yet he did.

The plan...

LAD made reservations to fly in, stay with me for one night, and then rent a hotel for us for two nights downtown to watch the fireworks and check out the city. I was nervous, but he assured me he would be on his best behavior and would not make the same mistakes as last time.

The reality...

Oh boy...where to begin? After arriving, I took LAD to a friend's restaurant downtown. My friends loved him. He had a couple of cocktails, but was very low key and in a fantastic mood. Saturday we drove into the city and spent the day walking around, even going to the local aquarium for a bit. Then we got ready for dinner and what I hoped to be a great evening ringing in 2012. It was a wonderful meal with interesting conversation. LAD was very complimentary of me, my house, my friends, my life. Even going so far as to say that while he has a lot to work on to get to a healthy place,  he was very anxious to see what could ultimately happen between the two of us- that he hoped it could turn into something special.

I listened with a fair amount of skepticism, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for the best.

After dinner we went up to the 33rd floor of the hotel, where LAD had reserved a table at the bar to watch the fireworks over the city. The table was huge..and right in the middle of the dance floor. He had also ordered a bottle of Vodka and a bottle of champagne. I asked him if it was possible to drink and not do drugs...he assured me that it was more than possible. I chose to believe him.

Because our table was so huge, and it was just the two of us, we invited several new 'friends' to join us. Basically, we created our own party. The hour struck midnight and we popped open the bottle of champagne as fireworks went off around us. It was magical. At one point one of the gay guys at our table mentioned that it was obvious how crazy LAD was for me. "He can't keep his eyes off you- it's adorable!" Sipping his champagne, LAD leaned into my ear and said, "This thing between you and I could really be something." I was literally and figuratively on top of the world.

Then, LAD ordered more bottles of alcohol and things quickly began to spiral out of control. I drank too much, he drank too much, we all drank too much. LAD suggested we take the party back to our suite and we did. Around 3am everyone started to leave except one pretty little blonde. "It's time for you to go..." I told her. "I just have to use the restroom," she replied. She stumbled into the other room. After enough time had passed I asked LAD to check on her and get her to leave (she was also staying in the hotel). Minutes later, when neither of them had returned, I walked back to see what the hold up was.

The crash...

Sadly, some things can't be unseen. They sit behind our eyes like a brand sits on the backside of cattle.

There they were. The blonde, naked, lying in our bed. LAD, shirt off, pants around his ankles, lying on top of her.

They were having sex.

I'm not sure what I yelled out, but I heard my own voice loud and clear- startling them both. For what seemed like an eternity we all froze...then things began happening in slow motion. I fled the room and clumsily stumbled over to the sofa. LAD walked out, zipping up his pants, as the blonde fled the hotel room in her underwear, clutching her clothes. "How could you?!" I asked in a voice that was not quite my own. "It's not my fault- I went in to tell her to leave and she was naked on the bed, she started ripping my clothes off!" "Couldn't you have said no?!" I sobbed. "You don't understand- she's really hot naked!"

And there you have it. I'm the world's biggest fool for giving this guy a second chance. Long story short, I was extremely upset. LAD announced he wasn't going to 'deal with my drama' and took a cab to a party an LA friend had told him about. Drunk and distraught, I went to bed on the sofa. At 7am, LAD woke me up and asked me to go in the bedroom so he and his new guy-friend could hang out and drink. He also asked me to turn on the radio on my way out of the room. Numb, I obliged. At 8am he woke me again to tell me he was going back to the party. At noon he arrived back at the hotel as I was packing my things to go.

I started to say something, but he stopped me, "If you are wanting to talk about last night, there is nothing to say- so I'd rather not discuss it." I kept packing. After a quick shower, I walked back in his room and woke him up. I exploded...a thousand words came out of my mouth at once, but they honestly don't matter now. Yelling at him changed nothing. He listened and replied that he was genuinely sorry but there was nothing he would ever be able to say that would make it right. "I'm a crazy person with a lot of issues, it is what it is," he stated.

As the bellman loaded my luggage onto the cart, LAD said simply, "Thanks for inviting me to join you for the weekend." "Yeah, sure...it was fun, you know...until it wasn't," was all I could think to say.

The aftermath...

I have not spoken with LAD since I walked out that door nor do I intend to ever again. I assume he made it onto his flight this morning...but it's not really my concern.

I'm hurt. I'm humiliated. I'm angry...with myself mostly.

More than anything I realize it's time for some serious soul searching and very dramatic life changes. Why do I continue to allow these men back into my life after they have hurt me? What am I expecting? The craziest thing is, I think I know where this is coming from. In not allowing myself to fully deal with the intense hurt I felt in my marriage (living with a man who would not touch me or connect with me emotionally), I've been seeking attention from men that are the complete opposite of my ex-husband. Where he was stable, put together, and quite frankly a bit boring...I'm finding myself drawn to the guys that are spontaneous, hyper-sexual, narcissistic, and a bit crazy. It's affecting my self confidence and destroying my self worth.

It's well past time for it to stop. I made one giant stride recently by finding a good therapist, now it's time to put the pieces of my broken puzzle back together and find a stable, healthy mental place where I can exist and stop being so damned self-destructive.

My first step, in my opinion, is to stop dating and start focusing on becoming the person I know I can be. It's much easier said than done, but by holding myself accountable for my actions it will be done. It's also time for me to stop going to bars. I drink more than I should, and I realize this is me numbing my pain. I have a business to focus on and many other talents to explore. Every minute spent with a hangover is a horribly wasted minute. And every second spent with a man that will never full appreciate me or treat me with the respect I deserve is a disgustingly wasted second.

I've decided that while I have many goals for 2012, I will only have one resolution: If a person is undeserving of my time or attention, then they won't be getting it.

My conclusion...

This weekend I knowingly let a lion into my house, and acted like a piece of meat. But while he may have bitten me...hard...he didn't eat me alive.

Therefore, it's time to grow up and treat myself with the respect I deserve.