My Landlord and His Leaks

Last week my upstairs toilet broke. No, I didn't do anything weird to it, it sprung a slow random leak from the pipe that connects the toilet to the wall, and thankfully the leak was slow enough not to do any damage to the floor. Recently I lost all of my phone contacts, including my landlord's number, so I shot him a quick email. Knowing it's the holidays and he might not get it until the new year, I shut the water off in the bathroom and got back to life. I mean, there are two other toilets in my house for crying out loud, and I am one tiny little single girl!

This morning I received a frantic call: (As you read this, imagine the strangest, most robotic voice ever.)  "KJ, this is your landlord. I've just finished reading your electronic mail (yes, this is what he called it). Why did you not call me?"

Me: "Well landlord, as I explained in my note, my phone was stolen, my back-up failed, and I lost all of my contacts. But no worries- I shut the water off and figured it could wait until you had time to stop by."

Landlord: "But I only just got your electronic mail because you never called, I mean, what will your mother think? (Yes, my landlord has an intense fascination with my mother...has even been known to call her if I don't return his messages in a 'timely fashion'.)

Me: "Landlord, it's fine. When will you be coming by?"

Landlord: "1pm"

12:59, he arrived. My landlord is obviously a strange man, but he looks even stranger than he acts. He's short, stocky, has hair that desperately needs a trim (think Beatles in their heyday), and often wears clothes that don't exactly flatter his figure. Today he had on a white undershirt and a pair of grey sweatpants.

As soon as he walked through the door- I saw it. A giant wet spot covered his crotch. Now, I've seen men who didn't properly shake off the access, and had a small spot or two...but this was a really big spot!! Not a 'I've totally just peed myself' spot, but a 'Oops, I didn't even bother to give it a little shake before stuffing it in my pants and clearly deciding not to wear underwear' kind of spot.

I immediately averted my eyes and tried to stare at the wall.

Then, I heard a voice, and in my mind I was positive the wet spot had begun talking to me: "So, you haven't had any psycho boys in this house lately, have you?"

My eyes popped forward again, and I realized it was indeed my landlord speaking instead of the pee stain. Me: "4 last night...but only 3 were really psycho...that's ok, right?"

My landlord has the sense of humor of a basketball hoop. He simply snorted.

I ducked into my office while he went about repairing the toilet. A few minutes later he appeared at the door.

"Your leak is fixed, is there anything else?"

Fighting every urge to say: 'You might consider fixing your leak', I smiled and said everything else was fine.

Landlord: "Next time, make sure you call me so I can arrive quicker. I wouldn't want your mother disappointed in me."

He spent a few minutes asking far too many questions about my mom (My mother is genuinely freaked out by all of this, in case you wondered.), and he eventually left.

I checked the bathroom to make sure both leaks had been properly contained and hadn't made their way to the floor, and then allowed myself a few seconds of painfully...uproarious...laughter.