We met in the most organic way...I accidentally stole his chair at a local bar while he was in the restroom. I offered to move to another table, but he was on his way out anyway. "I'm headed back up to my studio," he said. My ears tingled. "Studio?" I inquired, "What kind of studio?" "I'm a photographer," he replied.
A bit of background on me...my father was a photographer, my sister and brother are both photographers...therefore taking pictures is akin to taking your next breath in my family. I'm an actor first, but photography is a huge part of who I am.
"Can I see some of your work?" I asked. Turns out he wasn't just another photographer- he's one of the top commercial photographers in town. I was intrigued. We exchanged information.
He asked me out three times before I said yes. I was really wanting to stick to my temporary 'no dating' rule, but a little voice in the back of my brain kept whispering "what if...", so I finally relented. We had a blast- dinner, drinks, dancing...date one led to date two and so on...
He was one of those guys that was quick with a compliment- calling me smart, beautiful, funny. We were a few weeks in before the compliments began to sound more like insults. "You really are smart...cunning almost...like a man." "You really are beautiful, in that non-model sort of way." "You're funny- very dry and sarcastic...it's as if you don't care who you hurt."
He was in the midst of a move when we met, so it was several weeks before pictures went up on his walls. He had three children, yet most of the photos he hung were of him. Or nude models. "Dad, you can't put those in the LIVING ROOM!" his 14 year old daughter wailed one day. "Why not?" he asked. "Because, I have friends that come over, that's embarrassing!" I agreed with her which cost me quite the dirty look. "This is my art, I'll put it where I want to put it." he responded.
I should have run then, but I didn't. We continued to date, and he continued to push for a more serious relationship. There was enough good in him for me to keep him around, enough bad for me to have known better...
Six weeks in I invited him to meet my family. At one point in the evening he was discussing a dating site he'd like to create. In trying to prove how great his idea was, he asked my brother, (who has Aspergers and is very socially awkward) "Do you date?" "Uhm. not right now..." my brother stammered. "Is that because you're lazy or because you just can't get a girl?" Needless to say, he did not win my family's stamp of approval.
Later that evening we joined a few of my closest friends on a patio for some cocktails. He proceeded to get wasted and began hitting on one of my girlfriends. She stared at me like a dear in headlights, terrified I'd be angry with her. Of course I wasn't, I was simply embarrassed to have brought him with me. At one point he looked at my pregnant best friend and asked, "So what do you plan to do with your big belly situation once the kid gets here?" And so ended that evening of revelry.
Late that night, I broke up with him. He told me he wished he had never introduced me to his kids, that it was no wonder my husband 'faked being gay' to get away from me, that I would never find anyone that would actually want to have kids with me...on and on...I should have just ignored him, but it cut deep. Very deep.
In the week that followed, he used social networking to try and get to me. He posted about dates he was out on, posted photos of his new girlfriend (yes, it took him exactly 3 days to move on). Photos of them making out, photos of them at my favorite restaurant, etc. Then he started reaching out to my friends. They all ignored him. I finally had enough and blocked him on every site I could think of.
Here's where the story should end...BUT...
I'm a girl. And it's bothering me. His words and his actions have crept into my dreams, giving me fitful nightmares as I attempt to sleep. I'm less angry with him, and more angry with myself than I should be. The guy was a narcissistic jackhole, a bad father, an insecure passive aggressive man-child...and yet I willingly gave him 8 weeks of my time. Despite every imaginable red flag.
My therapist once said that we spend our adult lives trying to reconcile the painful relationships of our childhood. I was thinking about that this morning, and it does make sense. My father was a narcissist, a shyster, a pervert, and a liar. My mother did the best she knew how to do, but she was (and still is) quite verbally abusive toward my sister and I. A guy like the photographer is a perfect candidate for me to date- he's both my parents wrapped up into one! The problem is, I continue to date this same guy over and over and over...even though he may appear different in the beginning...he's the same guy.
Question is...how do I break the pattern? Recognizing it is step one I'm sure. But what is step two?
One of my favorite self-help sites sent out an email this morning discussing how to forgive, how to be grateful for the awful people that come into our lives and help us grow, how to take comfort in simply letting go...all very wise things. There are many changes on the horizon, and it won't take long at all for me to put the photographer completely out of my head. But I do hope I have the maturity to truly learn something from him. To learn something deeper about myself. To become a better person by realizing my own weaknesses. And to eventually stop the cycle...
