It's day 3 of a new year, and I refuse to let my previous blog post sit alone on this page for any longer than it already has. This morning I awoke with a fresh bounce. It didn't hurt that the first official work day of the new year began with a nice little gig, and another to knock out this afternoon. But that has little to do with my attitude...or should I say gratitude.
Yesterday I literally spent hours on the phone talking with family and friends. Four hours to my mother alone! If I were on the outside looking in, and this same weekend had happened to an acquaintance- "What was that dumb girl thinking?" would be the only thing ringing through my brain. And yet not one person has asked me that, not one person has made me feel bad about my choices. In fact, my best friend CC had only one question for me..."Why aren't you more angry?"
The answer is simple. LAD acted as himself. A liar, an addict, an awful person. He has a serious sickness, and I was the fool for believing he could behave in any way other than what has already been shown. Therefore, the only person I can be angry with is myself.
But then, what does that earn me? A few sleepless nights and days spent on the sofa eating crappy food and watching lame reality shows? No. I can act better than that. I can find more useful ways to spend my time.
Two nights ago I slept on my sofa because I was too depressed to drag myself alone to bed. Last night, I exuded every effort to crawl under the covers, pick up a notebook and a pen, and begin writing. Before scribbling some melancholy diatribe about a year gone wrong that ended with a whimper, I thought long and hard about this past weekend. Here's the reality: I'm alive, I'm safe. I wasn't drugged, I wasn't raped. Sure, I found my date in our hotel room having sex with a strange woman. Ouch. But does that really need to affect me for even a second longer than the time it took me to say my piece and pack my bags? No. Pen to paper, I began writing:
"I am loved and bathed in light, my anxiety a tiny baby I cradle in my arms and sing to sleep. I am unbroken, turning shades of grateful as that which might make me dull will not make me unremarkable. Tears of tired roll down my cheeks while my lips refuse to release their smile. There is music in this silence, and I do so love music. Lessons are diamonds and experience is gold, both worth so much more as time unfolds. I am taking control, feeling my skin, celebrating my strength, and healing within. Fear finally fleeing, Faith my newest friend, eyes finally seeing, soul making amends. As I thread my fingers through the hands of time, I know there will be bumps ahead...but now I can finally do things right and realize I have nothing left to dread."
A plan for the new year is in the works. As I mentioned before...no dating, no drinking, no late nights until I've earned my confidence back. Every time I feel lonely, I'll hit a coffee shop or call a friend. Every time I feel bored, I'll pick up my camera and practice my skills. When I feel lost, I'll find one new way to market my business. And I'll force myself to do these things until they become second nature.
I'll find even more reason to laugh, more reason to write, more reason to share time with others. I'll meditate in the space I have created and love that I was given my own space to begin with. It's time to work toward forgiveness...forgive my ex, forgive my past, forgive myself. Yes, it will take time, but it can be done.
My friend THOR (THe Original Rockstar) said it best...it doesn't matter what time the drama technically took place. This weekend was not the beginning of my 2012, it was the ending of my 2011. 2012 is fresh, it's new...and it's mine for the taking.
As I begin a healthier journey moving forward- my ears, eyes, and heart are open for any and all advice. How do you plan to move forward in 2012? Cope with anxiety or difficult times? Where is your bliss?
I've created an email account to go with this blog, since I know many people are uncomfortable leaving comments. kjordinary [at] gmail [dot] com. Emails will never be shared without permission, and as you know- on this blog I never give names. The truth is, we are all on a journey down a path of self improvement., and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to walk alongside you...
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