It's About Time...

Time.

Such a beautiful, valuable little bitch...isn't she?

There is never enough time when we really need it, and yet it's fascinating how we can suddenly find a plethora when we really want it.

This past week my "life counselor" ("therapist" is SO 2011!) or "LC" for short, asked me to create a flowchart detailing the positive and negative characteristics of the last 6-8 men I dated. My chart began with LAD and ended with the man I dated right before I met my ex-husband. Also on the list were D and Ex-B who I've mentioned on this blog.

At the top of each paper, I wrote their name. Then I typed out a list of positive attributes, following it with a list of their awful ones. It didn't take long for me to grasp the concept of the assignment.

They were all the same man.

Sure, there were subtle differences here and there...but several words made it to each and every list.

Words like: charming, creative, intelligent, good conversationalist, talented, funny. All great qualities! But then: unpredictable, unreliable, jealous, controlling, stressful, self centered, inappropriate...and the one word on EVERY list?

Narcissistic

My entire life I've been instantly attracted to the man that walks in the room and steals the show. The one with the most charm that men want to be like and women simply want to be with. This guy can be a fun guy to date...as long as we both adore him equally.

LC also suggested I create one final list, for my father.

It was no surprise which words easily fell from my fingertips. I am the classical 'I continue to date my father over and over and over' tragedy of a woman. LC has continued to suggest that many of my relationships form from my need to resolve past issues. I'm attracted to women that remind me of my sister, and men that are clones of my father. All in an effort to 'make right' that which I was never able to as a child.

"I'm tired of dating my dad," I said.

"Then stop," said LC simply.

"How?" I asked.

Her reply went something like this: "Value your time. You give so much of your time to people who don't respect you. You forgive them so quickly! And while forgiveness is a wonderful trait, letting go of your valuable time to appease someone who has no intention of returning the favor isn't fair to you. When D wanted you to drive four hours to see him, you did. What has he done for you? When LAD wanted to spend New Year's with you, you gave up time with your friends to be with him, what did that earn you?"

Wow. I've never thought about my time like this, but you better believe I will from here on out!

We discussed that it's time I realize my father is long gone, and allowing an awful man to continually disrespect me is not going to heal that pain. It's time to forgive myself for any poor decisions I've made, and let go of the hurt from the things I could not and can not control. It's time to focus on my present and my future and create the world I've always dreamed of.

"I'm the most determined I've ever been to allow myself to be...myself. To accomplish all of my goals," I said.

"You use that word a lot...determined. I believe you," replied LC.

She took out a piece of paper and along the edge of the page wrote: DETERMINED

"Have you ever heard of an acrostic?" she asked.

"Yes"

Handing me the notepad, she said, "Without thinking, I'd like you to create one now..."

And so I did...

Dare
Enlighten
Trust myself
Evolve
Resolve
Meaningful days are ahead
Insightful
Necessary to do the Next thing
Elevate
Destiny awaits

I do believe...it's about time...