And So the Fog Begins to Clear...

Prologue: As I sit here, with this blog written, I'm hesitant to hit 'publish'. Yes, this blog was created so I could share my experiences and my journey as I navigate life post-divorce. Still, I saw it as a tongue-in-cheek look at my bizarre dating life, or those silly stories that happen late on a Saturday night with friends after one too many drinks beginning with the letter 'T'. And yet, here I sit- contemplative and exposed. It feels good, but scary. I'm not sure who will read this, who will benefit, or who will judge. Perhaps it doesn't even matter. Perhaps the answer is 'no one'...and maybe it's 'everyone'. Alas, it isn't a true look into my life if it isn't a whole look. So, if you so choose...I'm going to allow you to now look...


The best thing I've done for myself recently, or perhaps ever, is to find a good therapist. We met for the second time this afternoon, and it was not-so-simply...and yet quite simply...powerful.

Today, we decided to spend our time focusing on my marriage and divorce. So many of my friends have also been through a difficult divorce, or are experiencing trouble with their marriage- so I think the tools I've been given may be of use to someone reading this right now. Thus, I've decided to openly share my journey from today. It's all hitting me at once, so I feel the best way to explore my thoughts is to create a list. I hope you won't mind.

1) She asked me what feeling dominates my thoughts about my ex. Easy...it's anger. Why anger? Because I feel he stole my time. I gave my ex 8 years of my life and received nothing in return. For 8 years we lived a lie, and for 8 years I was denied a good and honest marriage. For 8 years I was slowly stripped of my self confidence and robbed of my sexuality- all so he could keep up appearances to the outside world. I'm angry he refused to touch me for all of those years, angry that he made me believe it was my fault, that somehow I was undeserving of his affection...8 years of my life gone just so he could paint the perfect picture for himself, for his 'fans', and for his family. She asked how long it's been since I left him.  We are coming up on 2 years. She pointed out that for every day that I don't come to terms with my anger, for every email he sends that I allow to upset me all over again (and that I choose to read), for every second I spend lamenting the past- I am only giving him more of my 'time'. As of now, I have not just given him 8 years...I've given him nearly 10.

A decade.  A decade of my life given to a controlling narcissist, when it's been in my power all along to reclaim my time. Quite empowering when you think about it.

2) She asked what the number one thing was that my ex stole from me. Again...easy...my self confidence. I won't go into detail here, but he did and said some things that stripped me of my confidence and self worth in the way only the sickest of men would dare do. I thank God every day that I am still able to date, that I still feel desirable. Because that man said things to me that literally brought me to my knees- things so awful I still have trouble discussing them, let alone ever writing about them. And even though I knew they were lies, and that the issues were his- they scarred me worse than his fists ever could have. In fact, there were days I wish he did hit me- just so I had something tangible to look to in order to explain my pain.

But while I am able to date, my confidence and self-worth stay wrapped up in whatever 'man x' thinks about me. Rejection remains my greatest fear- therefore I'm willing to sacrifice my standards in exchange for anything that resembles praise or affection. I explained to my therapist that I want to regain my self confidence and find my true worth within and from myself, not from external opinions.

Question is...How?

3) How. Yes, she actually had an answer. We made a list of the things I love to do, the things I'm great at, the things that bring me peace. The exact same things...I have not done since I left my husband. I've been doing none of them. She asked me which of my hobbies I miss the most. Easy, I miss taking pictures. What do I love to take pictures of? Candid street photography. She had me open my calendar and asked me what my plans were for tomorrow. Well, I work until 4. After that? Nothing. She had me write in my calendar that I would drive downtown, take my camera, and spend 2 hours walking the streets and taking pictures. No excuses, no delays, this will happen. Even if my energy is low, even if I have a thousand other things I 'should' be doing...this matters more.

Why? Because I'm really, really good at it. And by doing the things that I love, the things I know I'm good at- slowly I will begin to regain my self confidence...and my true self. Each week, as often as possible I have to schedule time to do the things I love. It's vital to my recovery. And to hold me accountable, she has asked to see the photos next week.

4) Now, just relax. Last week I wrote about the importance of taking time to relax (according to my therapist). And I have. I've been doing pilates again, and taking time to walk away from the computer and catch a good movie in the evenings. I've spent time with friends, and not just in a crazy party way- but in a meaningful way that involves good food and greater conversation. She's right, it's working. As I type this now, it's just occurred to me that my house is silent. Completely silent. I believe it's the first time I've allowed that to happen since my dog died.

Wow.

5) She asked me what I feel I've gained in the last decade.  It was a tie between an interesting career and friends that have helped me grow, think, and live. She asked for an example. I didn't have to think hard. Yesterday evening, following a fantastic house warming party in which a very eclectic group of people were brought together with the sole intention of everyone meeting someone new and interesting, my boy best friend (BBF) and I were chatting. He's never been married and has no intention to ever do so, his life is simply too perfect the way it is. I told him I hoped to get to that place someday. He was quick to point out I was already there. What? No I'm not! He asked me if I was happier today than I was 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 5 years ago. After some thought I knew he was right. I am happier. I was never as sad and lonely as I was while married to my ex. Even my worst day today could never be that bad. There were days I wished to be dead. That would not happen now. My life now really is quite amazing when I allow it to be. I get to work, spend time with friends, see new places, eat new foods, meet new people, experience new inspirations. Everything can be new and beautiful...or not beautiful and yet still make for a good story. It's within my power, it's within my ability to choose.

Once I regain my confidence, my focus, my determination, and my drive? This world better watch out baby!

But for now, I have one goal...one giant and important goal...

To create a life so beautiful, so exhilarating, so diverse, so interesting, and so inspirational...that I won't want to share it with anyone else.  Unless, of course, I deem them 110% worthy of me.