Having worked a bit in the media world when I was younger, I've dated more than my fair share of musicians and 'rockstars'. I even made it into a magazine or two with the caption "Who is this mystery girl with XX?" I just wasn't cool enough for anyone to actually take the time to figure out the answer...
There was one guy in particular who was in a mildly popular boy-band in the late 90s. Let's call him...Wannabe. Wannabe was hot, seriously hot. And he had a British accent...swoon! We spent several days together while they played shows in my town and spent a lot of time 'connecting on a deeper level.' (Those musicians are always so 'deep'!) Being the smart, conservative gal that I was, I asked Wannabe if he had a different girl in every city.
(Try reading this with a British accent if you can.) "Baby! I'm way too fucking busy to be out fucking...you're the only girl I want, I swear!"
I believed him, and knew in my heart of hearts that what he really wanted was for me to drive down to their next tour stop and surprise him backstage (those media badges sure come in handy!). I arrived just in time to meet "Austin", a thin sultry blonde who had her ass in his lap and her lips on his ear... and then I overheard one of his bandmates refer to me as "Dallas". Turns out he wasn't so fucking busy after all...nor was he particularly clever with his girlfriend's nicknames. Ahh Rockstars...they love you when they have you and forget you the second they get back on that bus.
I wised up eventually and stopped dating guys on tour, but I still see that 'Rockstar Mentality' pop up again and again. It's happening this week as a matter of fact...with 'D'.
Last night I was texting back and forth with one of my best guy friends, 'K-Love' (Yes, everyone in my blog gets a nickname). I had a full-on chick moment and told him I hadn't heard from D since he left town earlier this week.
He responded: "If there was a girl who could keep my attention for 11 days, she would have heard from me at least every hour since leaving. I'm sorry."
My tough-girl answer back? "Easy come, easy go."
What followed an eye-opening dialogue and a pretty good glimpse into a few of the biggest differences between men and women when it comes to dating. After reading the conversation to my best friend CC, we decided I should put it in my blog. So, with K-Love's permission, here it goes...
K-Love: "I think the best and hardest thing to do is to try and adopt a 'take it as it comes philosophy'. That's what I did when I wanted my ex-wife to run back to me and say she was sorry...but she never did. It hurt so bad and consumed my thoughts, but I had to force myself to believe that I didn't care if I ever talked to her again. Turns out, she never did come back. But this guy D- he is going to text you. And when he does, you have to act like you didn't even notice he hadn't done so earlier."
Me: "You're right, it's a necessary defense mechanism. Part of me sees all of this as a blessing. I'm so determined to be single for a while, that it would likely freak me out if he was calling or texting all the time. Maybe that's why I felt safe spending time with him...I knew he would do this. The chick in me hoped it would be different, but the brain in me is glad it isn't. Still, my feelings are really hurt."
K-Love: "No matter what people put your emotions through behind closed doors, you have to make them think you're so cool you may or may not have time to deal with their shit. Again, he's going to text or call. So what you need to spend your time worrying about is this...how are you going to handle it when he does? The way I see it, you have 3 options. 1) You can say something like 'Finally!' (not the best choice) 2) You can tell him you've been busy and didn't even notice (thus sweeping it all under the rug). Or 3) you can play my favorite game and not respond for a day or two and when you do, use some blow off comment like, 'Oh yeah, that's cool."
Me: "Grrrr Relationships!!"
K-Love: "You can't look at it like a relationship...to men, it's a game. We all hate games, but the only way to survive them is to play them."
Me: "Why? I know he likes me and vice-versa...no mystery there. So why wouldn't he send a stupid text once in a while? He did say I made him nervous because I'm vulnerable after my break-up and still trying to find myself. Genuine concern or excuse?"
K-Love: "Excuse. Keep in mind, I don't know him...but this is how men think. I do it and I don't even mean to. I jump in with a woman head first and say the most clever and witty things I didn't even know I was capable of coming up with. The women love it, blush, and go crazy for it. Then we end up having sex...as soon as that happens I realize they want a relationship. Which reminds me of all the other women I can hook up with...and when the woman texts me it becomes a burden to come up with excuses as to why I'm 'busy' and can't hang out. I'm probably sounding like a fucking jerk right now but I've been dealing with this exact same scenario this past week. After some time goes by I start thinking about the girl again and the cycle starts over. That's why I don't want a relationship with anyone because I think I'm emotionally ruined. Until I find someone who can break that cycle...I have no business dating. In fact, the last excuse I used was "I'm moving to Houston to help my mom, she's about to lose her house." My mom doesn't even live in Houston! Hah! I'm such a dick. The only woman I have EVER not played these games with was my ex wife...which, I guess, is why I fell so far in love with her."
Me: "Woah. This is eye-opening. I think D is playing the same game he has played with me forever."
K-Love: "It's a guy thing. And I promise every time he sees you it feels new to him. It's in the after stages that the 'games' set in. Like I said, I don't know him. But I know how I felt with my ex-wife. When we first met I would have never gone days without talking to her. It wouldn't have been physically possible for me."
So, there you go. As I see it, a few conclusions can be drawn from this conversation: 1) K-Love is one hell of a good texter. 2) Even when they like you, guys will still play games. 3) You can learn to play them too, learn to ignore them completely, or learn to love your time alone. 4) You'll know when it's 'real', and you won't have to ask your friends for their opinions.
A couple of other things I've learned in my life: There are only two types of unconditional love. That between a parent and their child, and a dog and their owner. All other types are conditional and therefore expendable. Also, the rockstar mentality exists in all of us...
We just have to decide when it's time to quit the band.
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