D Stands For...

Dipping my big toe into the third week of creating this blog, I'm starting to realize the impact it's having on me. A few people have reached out to tell me they've experienced similar heartbreak, similar eye-opening moments, and similar renewals. Every time I consider myself a demon-riddled island, I'm reminded of the emotional bridges that allow us to connect with one another. I'm just an ordinary girl...navigating an extraordinary life.

I'm trying to figure out, just like you are, what it is I really want.

I've chosen to write this blog anonymously which allows me to explore my heart and head openly and honestly without the risk of hurting anyone. Therefore, the people I write about are each given a nickname.

Today, the person at the forefront of my mind is 'D'.

D came back into my life about the time I wised up and kicked my most recent Ex, 'Ex-B', to the curb. There was extreme hatred between Ex-B and D (on the side of Ex-B), and honestly- he had every right to be jealous. Try as I might, my simmering crush on D hasn't been easily disguised.  (Feel free to check out this blog for further background on the Ex-B/D rivalry)

I first met D in my early 20s. He was married, then divorced...and then I was married and divorced. Our lives have intersected like mangled vines you might find running along an old fence...sometimes we hit, sometimes we miss, sometimes we run parallel. For 15 years we've curiously danced around one another wondering if someday we might just connect.

Rough and tough, D has a greater tendency toward being a douche than a darling. This is the guy that when the barista at Starbucks asks, "Can I get you anything else?", the response will be, "Got any blow?" He's a good guy...though you might question it from time to time. Funny as hell. He doesn't do drugs, but he does drink a bit too much...smokes too much...swears too much. He's honest. He says what's on his mind...and somehow it always comes from a place of truly caring. It might hurt, but it isn't meant to. He's complimentary in all the right ways, and I feel more like 'me' around him than anyone else. I like this guy. And while I know he will be a part of my life forever, I'm a bit curious as to the capacity in which that will happen.

Due to recent work travels on both sides, we've spent a lot of time together this month. A lot of time together. After 11 consecutive inseparable days, D left this morning. Trying to be the cool girl, I sent him off with a kiss on the cheek and a 'see ya later'. Then I drove home, walked inside, sat on my couch, and sobbed. Not exactly 'cool'. I'm the over-thinker on a path of self discovery, and these last 11 days have been filled with eye-opening discussion. D thinks I'm vulnerable. He also thinks I hide behind the 'sweet girl mask of goodness' that turns more people off than on. I have a very dark sense of humor and a rather sick view of the world I don't let very many people see. I am kind and prefer to do the 'right' thing, but I'm terrified that if people knew my sassier, darker side they wouldn't like me. And I like being liked. D also told me I talk too much about work. I use it as another shield to keep from talking about 'me'. He says there are so many more interesting aspects of my life that no one ever sees because I obsess over my job.

He's totally right.

D had an impact this week. Looking back, he's had an impact during many pivotal moments in my life. Which got me thinking about the other D's that have affected me...

Divorce- At my age, most of the single people I meet are divorced. And I have yet to meet anyone that isn't at least mildly bitter about it...including myself. My girlfriends tried to set me up with a guy a few weeks ago. He was great...until he started talking about his ex. Holy woman-hating-venom batman!! This guy went off for over an hour...30 minutes of which I spent just trying to get away! Like most, I have issues left over from my married years, but I'm really not that bitter. I see the marriage as my mistake. The red flags were there, I just ignored them. I could spend the rest of my life angry about it, or I could simply learn from it. Thanks to my narcissistic gay ex-husband, I'm smarter, stronger, and way better looking. (Those gay-boys give great make-up tips...and no, I am not joking.)


DNA- I've spent a lot of time this month talking about family. If you read my previous blog, I discovered I had a 45 year old brother last week that had been given up for adoption. Which means I've been looking through old photos, discovering missing links, and reliving my past in bits and pieces. Also, D met my entire family this past week. It wasn't planned- it just kind of 'happened'. And it didn't really go so well. It turns out my 20 year old niece can be a real bitch. She asked D if he had ever had plastic surgery (since he's an actor) and he jokingly went through a list of procedures he had done. She didn't get the joke. So all night he was called 'Botox'...and then 'Cheek Implant'...and then 'Johnny McHollywood'...and it kept going. He did a good job of hanging in there, but I don't think he'll be anxious to spend much time with her ever again.


Dogs- I had a bit too much to drink three nights ago and completely melted down about the dog I lost a month ago. Full. On. Sobbing. Not my most attractive moment. It should have scared the shit out of D...but instead he opened up about the death of his mom many years ago. There we sat...two people crying and connecting. Something we should all do more often. My dog was my child, my family...and holy shit I miss her. But she did give me a gift. Freedom. Now I can travel without notice or move anywhere in the world. No ties. And that is indeed a gift.


Dating-  D made a verbal slip a few days ago and said we were dating. He very quickly corrected himself. "You know, whatever this is...I mean, it isn't dating...It's...Don't you just hate labels?"  I'm a girl.  I love labels. But D did enlighten me on the pitfalls of being a man and dating. Apparently it is quite expensive! He said it would be easy to drop up to $2k a month just courting a girl. Holy shit! For some people that's a salary!! I think dating sucks in general. Which is why I tend to either be alone or in a relationship. I hate playing 'get to know you'. More often than not, I really really don't want to know you. Take for instance the guy I met a couple of weeks ago...super cute, funny, decent conversationalist.  Then he asked why I was divorced. I answered that I was pretty sure my ex is gay. His response? "You're a good looking girl...but you know what they say, show me the hottest girl in the room and I'll show you a man who is sick of her shit. Sure he wasn't just sick of your shit?" Are you kidding me? Check please!


Dancing-  I love to dance, LOVE to dance. And very, very few of the guys I've dated know how to. Turns out D can dance!! I would have never guessed it. But it made me realize how important this is to me. It's a requirement. You don't have to be great, you just have to be willing.


Detox- I'm not a day-to-day drinker. But when I throw down, I seriously throw down. And for some reason, that happens a lot when D is in town. Now that he's gone, I'm putting myself into detox mode. Detox from alcohol, detox from bad food, detox from fucking off at work, and detox from men. This month has been a lot. I've been through a death, a breakup, the discovery of a new sibling, travel, work, and a lot of looking at my life and figuring out 'what's next?'. Which leads to...


Discovery- I need to take the time to discover who I am. What I want. Where I'm headed. And where I've been. This blog is step one. My original vision was to create a snarky look at my weird life, and yet today I'm not feeling so snarky. More like...introspective and a touch sad. Which I'm sure makes for a shitty read. Oh well, this my cheap ass therapy- so hopefully you'll forgive me.

I need some quiet time. And I have until...


December- D and I have plans to see each other again in December. Like it or not, I'm crazy about this guy (and believe me, there are plenty of people who aren't liking that too much). But I'm scared my vulnerabilities are leading me to look to the possibility of him rather than the possibility of spending time alone. I fully realize I'm in no mental position to think further down the road than what I plan to eat for dinner or watch on TV tonight, so I'm planning to take these next weeks to try and clear my head. Do a lot of thinking and a lot of writing.

One thing's for sure...being human is hard. Being a single girl is hard. Which is why I jump from relationship to relationship. It's easier to meld into the next man and become them than it is to stand on my own and risk exposing me. This is why D really should stand for...

Determination- I am determined to rid myself of demons, doubt, and dependence so I can be more daring and decisive. Alliteration aside...I want to do it right. For once.

And by 'it'...

I mean 'me'.