The Journey to a New ME

The journey to a new 'me' began a little over two years ago.  I was living in Florida and found myself one February afternoon staring into my crystal blue pool in the back of my 5 bedroom mansion that sat on a lush conservation.  In my head I was calculating the exact temperature the pool would need to be for me to 'fall' in, fully clothed, and die from hypothermia.

A month later I awoke in the fetal position on my living room floor.  I hadn't moved for hours and had stained the carpet with mascara riddled tears.

It was time to find a therapist.

I remember the first time I said it out loud.  "My husband won't touch me".

"I don't get it" said the therapist.

So I repeated myself.

"You mean, hypothetically right?  Is it that you don't have the level of affection you desire?"

Me: "That.  And the fact that my HUSBAND WON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!"

No one got it.  We were young.  We were beautiful.  We were successful.  We were oh so in love.  It took me over a year from that initial therapy session to finally utter the words..."I want a divorce."  At that point we had been married 4 years...it had been 2 1/2 since he had so much as kissed me.

A year, and 7 months of couple's counseling later, I loaded my car and headed home to Texas.

OK.  Let me stop here.

Clearly, this is a very abbreviated version of a very long story that includes immense hurt, disappointment, questions, and mental breakdowns.  I figure those stories will come out in bits and pieces as this blog progresses...for now I'm keeping it simple.

The day I left I remember calling my best friend on the phone and telling her that I was going to do divorce 'right'.  I wasn't going to do any of those cliche divorced chick things....like run into the arms of the first man that looks at me...or develop a fear of dying alone...or sit around and scream and cry about how unfair life was and how I never had the children I so longed to have.  Nope.  Not me.  I was doing this right.  Yup.  Right!

It took a whole 4 months for me to run, head over heels, straight into Mr. Wrong.  For a year I let him control me, verbally abuse me, harass me, unleash his demons on me...all because "at least he's nothing like my Ex!"

It took several girlfriends and a final, physically abusive moment to snap me into reality.  What the fuck was I doing with my life?  Who the hell had I become?  I knew who I was deep down...but I had spent my entire life conforming to whichever man I was with.  For my husband I was Pollyanna, the perfect housewife.  For the boyfriend I was meek and apologetic.  It was a pattern I had relived for 20 years with at least a dozen different men.

It was time...no, it IS time to stop the pattern.  Someone very near and dear to my heart sat me down recently and asked why I continue to hide behind a shell of positivity and perfection?  The last year of my life has been shit.  Not just the divorce, not just the bone-crushing breakup...there was also the breast cancer scare...the death of my niece...the passing of my one true love- my little 9 lb dog.  Seriously, this year has been crap!  And the damnedest thing of all is that I bet your year has been crap too!  So WHAT THE FUCK?!  What do I do now?

I blog.

This is my therapy.  My outlet.  My way to work through the bullshit and find the real ME I've long since buried.

You know what?  I'm funny.  Really fucking funny...and almost no one knows that.  I can be mean as hell and perfectly judgmental too.  So, I'm going to be.

And maybe, just maybe, by joining me on this journey...you can learn something about you too.  And if not?  Fuck it!  This is my therapy...not yours.

Now you may be wondering..."Why the ghost name?  If this is the new you, why not put it all out there?"  Well, I'm an actor.  And my career depends on me being the 'nice girl'.  I'm not famous, but I do have my own small following...and many of the people I'll be writing about have to protect their images as well.  So, this blog will be all about the real ME...without the risk of losing my livelihood.  I hope you will all understand.

OK.  Enough of the shit.  Let's blog!!